Make a change, make a difference

Are you also tired of all the empty words from politicians and where nothing seems to be done to make a change? Are you also tired of the constant and widespread lack of affordable housing, sky-high homelessness figures and domestic violence where women have nowhere to go when they leave an abusive relationship, due to crowded refuges and lack of housing?

Then I hope to see you journey with me as I go live with my Crowdfunding project on Rockethub. Apart from raising funds to initially get my book published, I will create an organisation focusing on a new, groundbreaking way of affordable housing and also a holistic way to support, connect and empower women subjected to domestic abuse and violence.

Thank you!

Transformation and change

To see a transformation and change in society and violence against women, an important area is that we need lessons about gender equality and domestic violence to be added to the school curriculum.

There should be compulsory education on domestic violence as schools could play an important part teaching children that domestic violence is not normal and to teach healthy relationships and respect. This could be done in different ways – it could be explored in workshops and assemblies in schools, as well as being part of some of the lessons.
Also that children learn about gender equality, and that teachers clamp down on sexist and sexual bullying in the classroom to show that this type of behaviour is not ok.

Calls for shift in focus from women to men – AUS

Karen Willis from Rape and Domestic Violence Services NSW, Australia, says she has seen little change in the levels of domestic and family violence over the years, but has witnessed a major shift in the way police respond.

“When I was a child, the concept was that if she was a better wife or mother, then he wouldn’t have to hit her, and police would say unless he kills her there’s nothing [they] could do,” she said.

“I’m pretty sure those sorts of attitudes would not hold terribly much water anymore, and police are certainly pretty clear there are things they can do.”

Ms Willis says she has also seen a change in what women are prepared to put up with.
“What we are seeing is a massive increase in those experiencing such violence coming forward to police and support services, saying ‘I deserve better than this, this is not right and I want assistance’,” she said.

Ms Willis says the challenge is to shift the focus from women to men.
“We’ve spent the last 30 to 40 years in relation to domestic violence telling women how bad it is and how to recognise bad relationships and how to escape those relationships,” she said.

“What we now need to do is have that conversation with men, about how they can change that culture.”

Assistant Commissioner Mark Murdoch is the New South Wales police spokesman on domestic violence and an ambassador for White Ribbon, the campaign to stop violence against women.
“Men need to wake up to the fact that it is a men’s problem. It is perpetrated by men who use their power and control over women and until … they wake up to that fact, nothing’s going to change,” he said.

©Ursula Malone and Juanita Phillips, ABC News, Australia. 

Is money more important than the lives of citizens?

Where there is a will, there is a way – it’s the old saying that is as true as it is said.
If there was a will, it should be possible to cooperate across borders between authorities in society; that is something that is very much needed today. Why waste money and time with the fragmented way that you see today among authorities when vulnerable women seek help. Why all this bureaucracy?!
It is possible to develop, change and improve in a way that supports and helps the women, not only while they are in the relationship and when breaking up, but also during the important time after the breakup and when starting over making a new life for themselves.

To have the civic right to get back on one’s feet, to build a life of one’s own again. We mustn’t just blame the shortage of housing and lack of resources – yes, we all know there is a housing shortage, but then local and national governments have to find a solution, not just talk about it and acknowledge it as some kind of static situation year in and year out. ‘Lack of resources’; it’s about finding new ways, new solutions, new perspectives.
Why cutting funding to emergency housing, shelters, refuges and other organizations when the problem of domestic violence and violence against women is growing globally?!
It’s about saving lives! Both for women in emergency situations and also for the longer term.
But governments seem to rather save money and cut down on resources than saving lives.
What conclusions can we draw from this? Is it that money is more important than the lives of citizens in our society?

 

 

Would the situation look different if…?

One of the most important things in order to bring about change in society regarding domestic violence, is that the various bodies in the community and society actually have to start listening to those who are being abused, to believe them and to take that to heart.
Domestic violence is about power and control; mentally, physically, financially and sexually. Perpetrators use different methods of coercion against their victims.
As an authority individual – when you meet a vulnerable and abused woman – have you any idea what these methods are, or what it is really like to live with them day in and day out?

Fear
Threats
Disrespect
Persecution
Degradation
Isolation
To be denied food / money
To get possessions destroyed

These methods are just the tip of the iceberg for many of the victims who are subjected to emotional abuse every single day – add to that physical abuse, sexual abuse or financial abuse.

Society today lacks adequate safety, support and guidance for a functioning support network for women to be able to start over again after the abuse; important and crucial things that would help give the vulnerable women the trust in authorities, the trust which many of them is entirely lacking as they feel they are not getting the adequate support. This is a big reason why many victims feel resistance to leaving a relationship with domestic abuse. One doesn’t know where to go and what support you will get in order to be able to start over again.

We must see changes and improvements regarding this; the signals we are now receiving from society and governments, in one country after the other, is that they would rather save money than to save lives. Is this the sort of society we want?
One cannot but wonder if the current situation would be different if the majority of the victims were men…?

 

 

If you are being abused

Please believe me when I say that the beatings one day would just suddenly stop and that promises that the beatings won’t happen again are false. Statistics also show that, over time, the severity of the beating and the kind of abuse is very likely to get worse.

Excuses, or that the perpetrator is blaming a tough childhood and adolescence, or that he has a bad day is simply unacceptable excuses used against you to justify his own behaviour.
The man who beats denies, is adamant and claims nothing is wrong in his own behaviour by twisting and turning things – ways to get you in a state where you are finally starting to doubt your own feelings, and where you constantly must take the blame for one thing after the other.

It doesn’t matter how you dress, what clothes you wear – it will be the wrong clothes. It doesn’t matter what you say – it will be wrong. It doesn’t matter what you do – it will be wrong. Nothing you say or do will be good enough.

The perpetrators won’t admit that they are being this tormentor, but instead suggest things such as – ‘let’s have another baby and everything will be fine’, ‘I promise it won’t happen again’…
You won’t be able to change your tormentor and the way he treats you. It doesn’t matter how much you try or how much you wish his behaviour would change. They must want to change themselves, do it themselves; and many of them do not and will not.

To constantly be walking on eggshells should never be part of any relationship, and without trust there is no relationship. Domestic violence is not normal – it must never be accepted and should be reported as it is a crime. It is important to remember that it is never your fault that you are being abused; a victim doesn’t ask to be abused – it is the perpetrator who chooses to abuse.

Go by your gut feeling. Your head and heart will just tell you what you want to hear, what you want to think and believe, but while the gut feeling always gives you the true signals.

 

 

 

The Power- and Control Wheel

The Power- and Control Wheel below clearly shows how most of the behaviours that characterize abusive relationships solely is about power and control, and often this includes more than one of the behaviours shown in the image below. A lot of people who see the power- and control wheel for the first time are often surprised how one or more of these behaviours are present in their partners.

Do you live with any of the behaviours which are present in the wheel? Sometimes there are situations when a woman has been in a situation for years and where it is easy to simply become ‘blind’ for what is really happening, what she is being exposed to – where one reaches this kind of point where one starts to believe the situation is normal. For me, it took decades before I fully, completely understood what this is all about – before I really understood and could SEE the patterns and the behaviours. If you over and over again have been exposed to it for years, you finally start to believe that it is some kind of normality.

But I feel this is one of the important things to bring to light and something we need to create an awareness around – among other things, I want to create awareness and to help women to see the often re-occurring patterns and cycles of their situation far earlier than was the case for me (too often the woman start to blame herself, that it is her own fault that she is being subjected to different types of repeated abuse). We all need to do our own bit and in different ways bring awareness and change so that more women can be helped, and so that more and more women will be able to have the right – the human right – to live a life without fear and without a sense of powerlessness.

 

 

Men’s violence against women is not a women’s issue

Over 85% of those who expose women to domestic violence and in intimate relationships is male (Swedish National Council for Crime Prevention, BRÅ2010).

Therefore, we need to involve men and boys in efforts to solve this widespread problem in a long-term way. Not only women but also men have to stand up on this issue, get their voices heard and to be role models for other men, that with word and action show that it is not okay to threaten and beat one’s girlfriend, calling her ugly and stupid. Whether it is physical, mental, sexual or verbal abuse, it is never ok!

We need a radical social change in the community as well as on a larger scale in society. It is in the individual we need a change of attitude, in a personal and profound way – not by talking over people’s heads with reports and one study after another that doesn’t give any results.
The money and work needs to be put toward the right things – to work and to change with long-term solutions that truly provide help to all the women who suffer in silence.

Of course we must help and support the victims. But that is not the whole solution. We need to see the whole picture in order to get closer to a more extensive, wide-spread and long-term solution.